Humor

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City ex-Mayor answering tax-evasion accusations

The World according to Andy Rooney (60 Minutes)
On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
On Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now....
On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Letters to God from kids
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Is it true that my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Anita

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
Darla

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Love Joyce

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before -- you can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
Love, Sam

Success is...
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

Things I've Learned...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just not worth it.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better be well endowed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who Jack Schitt is. We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogical efforts, you can now respond in an all-knowing manner.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and,because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The newspaper wedding page announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt, family archivist

Beer Theory
This goes a long way towards explaining a lot of things: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Friendship Poem
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality.

When you are sad ... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue ... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile ... I'll know you finally got some.
When you are scared ... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused ... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick ... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath ... I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? ... Because you're my friend.

The Pants...
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said,'Here - try these on.'
So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, ...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
So on, his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on."
So she does and says,"These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says,"Here, you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
So Jill says,"...exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Dr. Laura's Religious Questions
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Marriage advice from kids
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Illinois
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ILLINOIS IF:
1. You've never met any celebrities.
2. "Vacation" means going to Six Flags.
3. You measure distance in minutes.
4. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
5. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
6. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
7. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
8. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
9. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to town I wanna go with."
10. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
11. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
12. You carry jumper cables in your car.
13. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
14. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
15. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
16. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
17. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
18. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
19. You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly."
20. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
21. You know if another Illinoisian is from southern, middle or northern Illinois as soon as they open their mouth.
22. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

Top 10 ways to be the funniest guy in your office.
10. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath even if they don't, and then punch them in the face.
9. Announce in a meeting that you have an incurable form of Herpes. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks, tell everyone you were kidding and call them a bunch of queers.
8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. In the meeting pretend you're hocking up a loogie, spit it into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say, "BEAT THAT!"
7. Inform a male co-worker that he would make a good hooker, then tell him he needs a good screw.
6. Always walk around with a big smile and keep one hand down the front of your pants.
5. Answer every question with "Hell if I know...," then call the person a slur that doesn't even match.
4. Brag about the fact that you carry a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them really sweaty and go around shaking everyone's hand.
3. Run down the hall spraying everywhere yelling, "It wont stop! God help me, it won't stop!" Then when it does, look down and say, "Oh! I must have broke it."
2. Ask to borrow a co-worker's expensive pen. Return it to the person and tell them the pen smells bad and tell them to smell it. When your co-worker says that it smells, say, "It should - I had it up my butt!"
1. Crap on your office floor and when someone comes in and sees it tell them it's the fake rubber kind. When they try to pick it up and realize that their hand is full of real crap, laugh and embarrass him in front of everyone.

Hangovers
* (1 star hangover)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.

** (2 star hangover)
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails.
*** (3 star hangover)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
**** (4 star hangover)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following –
1. the clock to strike 6pm,
2. the entire appetizer list from TGI Fridays, or
3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
***** (5 star hangover)
AKA Dante's 4th Circle of Hell. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied,at your house. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.

Ego Trip
A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout says, "You must be single!"
The guy sarcastically says, "Gee, how did you guess?"
The girl at the checkout says, "You're really ugly."

Meeting Etiquette
Bored during meetings? Why not try some of these neat little exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance. During a meeting:

Redneck Letter
Dear Child:
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the babyis a girl your sister is going to name it after me; she's going to call it mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Lovemaking
Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.
The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
The Jewish man then says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love and she screamed for six hours."
The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"
He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

More Office Humor...
Phrases you wish you could say at work:
1. Ahhh... I see the screwed-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don't know what you problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I', already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're a dumbass.
18 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable...Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
26. I hear you. I'm just not listening.
27. Do you practice being an ass or does it just come naturally?
28. If you would just pull your head out of your ass you would hear what I am telling you.
29. My supervisor cares less than I do but I can put you through to his voicemail.
30. I can add you to the list that I am going to throw away after you hang up.

Airline Humor
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

The Pirate
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks, "So how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."
"Blimey!", said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..."

Pathetic Platitudes
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
19. Don't squat with your spurs on.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
24. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
29. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Irish Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

Bad Novel Openings
Herewith the 10 winners of 2000's Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one writes the opening sentence of a bad novel. (The contest is named for Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who is famous - or is it infamous - for writing the novel that began "It was a dark and stormy night.")
10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.
9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.
6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
5. Although Ellen had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.
4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2. Dick Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS...
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside the darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "YOU LIED, YOU LIED!!!"

Golf Truisms
You really only need four clubs to hit every bad shot in golf.
The score your opponent reports on any hole should always be regarded as his opening offer.
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.
Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.
If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
No golfer ever swung too slowly.
One birdie is a hot streak.
No matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to play worse.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
The rough will be mowed tomorrow.
It never begins to rain on the 18th hole.
The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Out of bounds is always on the right.
No one with funny head-covers ever broke par.

Drunk Driver
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern, a gathering place for local hunters. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Bank Customer
A crusty old man walks into the bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account.
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery, and I want to open a damn checking account in this damned bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Southern Men
The top 40 things you will never hear a true southern man say:
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit. ( yeah I know)
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

The Difference Between Lawyers and MBA's
(Also seen it with Consultants vs. Bankers, etc.)
Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers buy tickets and watch as the three MBA's buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three MBA's cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyer saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the MBA's on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the MBA's don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three MBA's cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the MBA's leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

The Bird
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later the woman's husband, Ebert, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Ebert."

Creativity
A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fireman says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"
The little boy says, I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck."
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman says with admiration.
"Thanks mister" the little boy says. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cats testicles.
"Little partner," the fireman says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie the rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a little faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then...I wouldn't have a siren."

Standards
Two stangers, a man and a woman, meet in a cafe, the man asks.
"My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
"Well, yes, I guess I would."
"How about $100?"
"What kind of person do you think I am?"
"My Dear, we have already established that. We are merely haggling over the price!"

The Frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I've got a lot going on. I'm not interested in a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

*All messages above have come to me from various public sources through email over the past few years. They can, and should be, freely distributed and shared with friends of yours. I claim no responsibility for the opinions or facts contained above. I must thank Mark Zalewski and Andy Andress for many and my Dad for others.
Created 4/01; Last updated January 8, 2002; v1.8.

Humor (More than just random jokes... and most of these are clean.)

Humor
(More than just random jokes... and most of these are clean.)